Snapping

“I want French fries!”, yelled my friend Matt while holding a death-grip on the Dunkin Donuts door. Just another Saturday night in Deadsville. Except we weren’t in Deadsville. We were in the “big city” 30 miles away. When you live in a tiny little rural town, you run out of options for fun quickly. Therefore every once in a while you have to make a trip to the nearest metropolitan area where you can drink the same beer and listen to the same music but in a different place. So here I was, standing outside of Dunkin Donuts hanging onto Matt’s feet so that his body made a suspended bridge between my hands and his grip on the door handle, wondering how I had gotten into this particular situation.

The afternoon had started out well enough. I was working the overnight shift at a group home for adults with developmental disabilities. Earlier, my friends Matt, Gene and Kyle had dropped by asking if I wanted to go have a beer. Since I had to work, I declined but agreed to be the designated driver as long as I could be home in time for work. “No problem”, I was assured. So we had driven the half hour to our usual big city hang-out, a dark and dirty bar called “Cousins” attached to a bowling alley. Our primary attraction to Cousins was that they had live entertainment seven days a week – struggling New England big-hair rock bands – and cheap beer. For less than five bucks you could spend several hours getting a slight buzz, watching and listening to the band, and being too shy to ask the usual bar skanks to dance. A perfect evening for shy, geeky, rock-n-roll wannabes.

This particular night the band had been especially lame and the skanks practically non-existent. So our party had to occupy itself with drinking. Kyle was not usually a big drinker and of course, I was the dry, designated driver that night. That left Gene and Matt to take up the slack. After about 3 hours, I had to get going in order to make it home for work. With a certain amount of prodding, I got the boys moving.

However, once we got into the parking lot, everything turned into a circus. First, neither Matt nor Gene wanted to get into the car. Gene was feeling a little upset with his stomach and Matt decided he had to have French fries that very minute and that the Dunkin Donuts next door was the place to get them. Picture this: We start with everyone in the car. I’m in the driver’s seat with Matt beside me. Gene is behind me and Kyle is beside him while I’m trying to explain to Matt that Dunkin Donuts doesn’t sell fries but that if he stays in the car I’ll take him to the drive-through at McDonalds. Suddenly, Gene bolts from the car and starts pacing the parking lot. I go to get Gene back in and no sooner than he sits back down, Matt gets out and heads across the parking lot to Dunkin Donuts. I know that this DD is used to getting drunks coming in and doesn’t like it one bit. They usually throw them out and call the local police. So the last place I want Matt is in Dunkin Donuts if I want to get on the road in time to make it to work. I go to get Matt to walk back to the car. As he sits down, arguing all the time that DD does have French fries, out goes Gene again. When I go to get him, Matt bolts again. Gene is pacing and puking now, Matt is running for the door and inside the DD I can see them pick up the phone.....

When I started to follow Matt, he began to run. I chased after him and caught him just as his hands latched onto the door handle. I tried a couple futile attempts to rationalize with him when he let out his cry for "Fries!".

There are times when you don’t think. Deep inside you get very quiet and you just act. Holding Matt by the ankles with him dangling in the air, clutching the door handle and screaming for fries, I just gave a little snap like shaking sand off your towel. Except Matt was the towel. His hands popped off the Dunkin Donuts door and before he even hit the pavement I was dragging him by his heels across it. I got to the car, ordered both Gene and Matt into the car and they complied. I have no idea what Kyle was doing the whole time….. probably snickering like I would have been if he had been in my situation. Nonetheless, we were in the car and pulling slowly out of the parking lot when the police passed us on the way in. We waved and made our way back to Deadsville.